Play It to the Bone

You know what I hate? When movie writers try to make their characters interesting just by giving them some eccentric quirk. Like just because this one-dimensional character has some little idiosyncrasy, I’m supposed to identify with ’em and give a crap if they live or die. Well, up yours! I don’t.

Here are the Play it to the Bone characters and their annoying foibles: Oh yeah, this is a boxing movie.

Vince (Woody Harelson) Quirk: Jesus freak bible thumper. Why it sucks: Not believable. Vince still unrepentantly curses, gambles, and fucks total strangers. These conflicts are never really addressed. Vince also sees lesbians, large tits, and Jesus while boxing.

Cesar (Antonio Banderas) Quirk: Turned gay and went hiney-mining for a year, unbeknownst to best buddy Vince. Why it sucks: Relatively unimportant to plot. He could just as easily been a weasel rapist or a farthuffer. It’s there not to develop Cesar’s character, but really just to give Vince a reason to want to kick his ass.

Cesar’s Girlfriend (played by some chick) Quirk: Into muscle cars and inventing wacky gadgets (i.e. periscope that lets you watch TV in bed). Why it sucks: Gadgets meant absolutely nothing to story, and she was way too non-greasy to be talking convincingly about hemi ‘Cudas.

rest of the cast – people involved in the boxing promotion world Quirk: foul-mouthed greaseball Italian mafioso types Why it sucks: foul-mouthed greaseball Italian mafioso types

The premise of Play it to the Bone is that washed up boxers, and best friends, Vince and Cesar must fight each other to attain a title shot. If the writers had shitcanned all the religious and homo banter and focused more on a character study of two pals who have to try and kill each other, this would have been a much more interesting movie. Would it have allowed Play it to the Bone to achieve escape velocity from Planet Suck? Hard to say. But probably not.

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