Inside the mind of Johnny Hooper as he watches “Skeleton Key”

Whew, okay… barely made it in time. Good thing there are about 15 minutes of previews nowadays. God, this fake trailer about shutting your cell phone off– it always gets me! What is that crap under my feet? Oh, old popcorn and twizzlers… gross. Okay, here we go. Always good to see Kate Hudson! Whoo hoo she’s back! Looks pretty good too. Yowza! Motherhood hasn’t been unkind to her, thank god. I mean, holy shit she is hot. Whoops, too bad about that guy dying on ya! Don’t dismay, Katie, it was just his time. No reflection on your character’s skills as a hospice nurse. Whoa, a new off-site hospice job? In that scary lookin’ house working for that old bitch? I don’t care how much it pays, that is NG no good. Hey, who is that guy? He kinda looks like Ewan McGregor. I’ve seen him before… oh yeah, Peter Saaaarsgaaaard or whatever. He was in “Garden State” and “Kinsey.” He’s pretty good. This lawyer he’s playing is kinda slimy though. That’s probably about right. Hey alright, Kate in her underwear! Yesss the money shot. Hey more shots of Kate walkin’ around in her underwear! Who is this director? I like his style! More and more underwear shots, for really no diagetical reason. This guy definitely knows a good thing when he sees it though. Good job my man. Holy shit! Is that a brain?? My god get out of there! You’re not supposed to be in the attic! Is this “hoodoo” shit really real? It sounds made up. What is the deal with all these records? Does that really work? Who still has a record player? Whoa! Oh no what a horrible ending– it’s a poor man’s M. Knight Shyamalanalalanala kinda. No, no, you’re right, it wasn’t that bad I guess. Definitely could’ve been worse. At least Kate models all that lingerie… Man my legs are asleep. Hey let’s go get wasted…