Okay, so the movie starts and I’m trying to get out of the clutches of this evil tow truck guy, right? How this fat yahoo got me up on this fucking thing in the first place, I’m embarrassed to tell you. Let’s just leave it at this: alcohol works wonders, even on a Nazi-designed, Mexican-built shitbox. Heil to Rumple! Why do you think we called this thing “Herbie: Fully Loaded?”
So anyway, I’m sitting in this junkyard contemplating my fate of going into the car crusher, as any sentient mechanical vehicle would (although that pretentious prick KITT would probably piss his oiltank and whine for hours, the big wimp), when suddenly this chick with these absolutely ridiculously huge breasts starts looking over at me.
I know it’s cliche at this point, but they really were spectacular. Too bad for all you poor bastards that Disney digitally de-hanced her tits. As they say, “who are the ad wizards that came up with this one?” Really though, WTF?? Are you trying to get people into the theater or what? I can see that board meeting right now.
“Hey, I think Lindsey’s tits are too big.”
“Too big? Too fucking big, did you say??!?!” I would have replied in shocked amusement, just before kicking that guy right across the fucking face (if I had legs instead of wheels, of course) for saying something that ludicrous.
“Yeah, they’re too big. Rust is good, up is down, and my big fat German driveshaft is too strong also.”
I mean, was this Eisner’s idea? I think he’s just trying to fuck Disney on his way out.
“Yeah yeah, her tits are just too big. We gotta have ’em smaller so more people will come see the movie. And when you’re through with that, we’re changing Mickey from a mouse to a hamster. Yeah, I know, it goes against commonly held, rational thought, but we’re on the cutting edge here at Disney, right? We’ve done some market research that shows consumers are not as scared of hamsters getting loose in the house or whatever as they are at seeing a mouse scooting silently and, might I add, quite eerily, across the floor, therefore we concluded that “Mickey Hamster” is the way to go. No, that wasn’t a smirk– I just have an allergy to this, ah, this stack of cash I have over here… I mean, it makes sense, right? A hamster is all nice and cute and cuddly and whatnot– a hamster is your fucking buddy, no? But a goddamn mouse loose in the house, hell, that causes utter fucking chaos and anarchy left and right! Women screaming, kids freaked out, yeesh. It’s a hell of a time for everyone, believe me. I had a mouse in the house once and it was quite the son of a bitch. The wife wouldn’t walk across the floor until I had papered it with $100 bills courtesy of my extravagant compensation package, typical of Chairmen and CEOs whose companies are in the toilet. Hey no matter what, I’m better off than that Ebbers fuck, right? Yeesh, that guy really screwed himself. That’s the last time he hires the H&R Block at Sears to do his books, eh? Heh heh. I’ll have to send him a Mickey Hamster t-shirt to wear in prison for when his kids come to visit.”
Ahh, but I digress. Hey, I won’t lie to you, I’m glad to have some work again, and to be away from that General Lee for awhile. Geez that guy is always drunk off of
Uncle Jesse’s ‘shine, and smells like B.O. for some reason. And he tells the same racist jokes over and over again. I mean, how many times can I fake-laugh at that one about the spelling bee?
Oh well… please go see my movie so I can be in another sequel and stay out of backlot storage… keep me away from that rapist Back To The Future Delorean. Gotta sleep with your rear end parked against the wall when that guy’s around, if you know what