Bewitched

I hated this movie so much I wanted to kick its ass. And I would have too if the projection booth hadn’t been locked. I’m not scared of ANY reel of celluloid, I don’t care how big that motherfucker is! Titanic, Gone With the Wind, Pippi Longstocking Uncut… any 3 hour plus movie, bring it on and I’ll kick its ass. I have the attention span of a wad of Bubble Yum, but I can fuck a movie up.

Will Ferrell can only do so much to carry a movie. Will rules! After Old School, Frank the Tank’s got a lifetime pass with me. I can overlook Bewitched and that sucky soccer movie he did with Mike Ditka. Soccer blows, by the way. There shouldn’t be a sport where you are allowed to go AWAY from your own goal. Soccer is a communal-hive groupthink game. The ball in sports should always be moving toward the goal, toward the points, toward the score…not prancing away from it with crisp, silly little passes. Australian Rules Football, now there’s a sport! Those guys look like they’d rip your cock off and flog your mother with it. Fuck hockey too, now that I think about it.

Anyway, Bewitched was a sucky TV show, which I guess is why it blows as a movie. There were two Derwoods during the run of the show. One of ’em liked to part the meat baskets with his DNA faucet. Not sure if it was Sargent or York, although both of ’em looked like they might hold one in their mouth ’til the swelling went down. Nicole Kidman is all cold and beautiful like an ice sculpture. I don’t care for that. Elizabeth Montgomery was hot and looked like you might be able to score with her if you saw her in a bar. A little Courvoisier, maybe a Screaming Vagina on the rocks. Nicole, on the other hand, looks like she’d get pissed if you even said vagina in her presence, i.e. “Hey toots, I’d really like to get to know your vagina.”

If you like vagina, don’t see Bewitched.

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