The Talented Mr. Ripley

Bleeeech! What the hell was I thinkin’? A friggin’ chick flick replete with Ivy League idle rich, Italians, male homosexuality (as opposed to the cool kind), and expensive boats without motors. Add in bad jazz and a storyline that swerved more than a plane piloted by John Denver, and you have a turd that floats along about an hour after your ass goes to sleep.

The story begins when a got-more-money-than balls gazillionaire father hires master b.s. artist Tom Ripley to retrieve his son from Italy. Isn’t that rich? So now you’re set up for the ultimate dry hump. Ripley, a repressed homosexual, pretends to have known his assignment, Dickey Greenleaf back at Princeton. Ripley hangs out with Greenleaf and becomes a first class leach. At first I thought Ripley wanted to shadow Greenleaf in order to get in his girlfriend’s (played by Gwyneth Paltrow) pants…but noooooo…he’s queer and is more interested in mounting Dickey…so to speak. Dickey becomes angry with Ripley on a boating trip in some obscure Italian town so Ripley does what any piss-poor frustrated homosexual with serious mental problems would do…bludgeon Dickey to death with an oar.

From here Ripley assumes Greanleaf’s identity, murders another sap of a spoiled brat and drags this movie to a flaccid boring ad.

I won’t ruin the ending for you in case you want to see this godforsaken movie, but I’ll tell you this, Ripley goes on playin’ the role and being gay. Lottie-friggin’-da.

At one point in the movie, Ripley forges a suicide note he attributed to Greenleaf. At this point, ol’ Rufus is thinkin’…suicide…DAMN! I left my .45 in the truck! This film sucked so hard it was clearly audible. If you’re in need of entertainment, do yourself a favor, masturbate instead. It’s much cheaper, you won’t have to drive anywhere, and you’ll be happy in half the time it will take you to escape the theater.

The Talented Mr. Ripley gets a WHOLE LOT of Swayzes:
x infinity

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