The Whole Ten Yards

What do you get when you cross an episode of Scooby Doo and Three’s Company? The Whole Ten Yards. Think about it…a gaggle of jackass “mob” bad-guys affecting bad accents that don’t exist, and funny, semi-attractive people from Los Angeles who hide things from each other, ending in wacky hi-jinks and a plot that should have been contained in 22 minutes. And the Regal Beagle is in Mexico.

Couple of questions for you – has Matthew Perry EVER done anything funny? If you say “Friends” I’ll kick you square in your jewel-sack. Friends, Will & Grace, That fucking unfunny, swishy, asshole Frasier, and anything else on broadcast television would make anyone with an IQ over 70 wretch violently. So – did they see his potential in [movie with monkey]? What colossal jizz-bag did Matthew Perry blow to keep getting these gigs?

The only thing that kept me from walking out was the theater where I was watching it…Delta flight 178 from San Juan to Atlanta. That and the possibility that I might catch a brief glimse of Amanda Peet’s cooter.

You know what? Fuck The Whole Ten Yards! Let’s talk about something interesting – my vacation. We flew into San Juan on July 4th. If you’ve never gone on a cruise and left via San Juan, let me paint you a picture…just think of the Bataan Death March without the beautiful scenery. I stood in more lines than a Russian housewife. The San Juan airport…words fail me…fifty pounds of shit in a ten pound bag. The crew on the “Carnival Destiny” was reminiscent of the local Mexican bricklayers in Tennessee, only that the bricklayers probably have a better dental plan and working conditions.

The guests? Think Puerto Rican debutantes all trying desperately to look like Jennifer Lopez, but without the exercise regimen and plastic surgery…their parents, dressed like Pablo Escobar at Studio 54, wife in tow, looking much like the Tazmanian Devil’s girlfriend: Square, hairy, too much makeup and dressed like a Vietnamese whore going to church.

Yeah, me and Shaniqua are returning from a cruise – San Juan, St. Thomas, Dominica, Barbados, Aruba…more about that later when Shaniqua isn’t watching me type.

This entry was posted in movies that suck. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *