Be it introduced into the moviesthatsuck.com legislature that…
Whereas the letter “X” has been abused repeatedly for the last decade in advertising, television and cinema; I hereby move that we ban the letter “X” from the English and any other alphabet that has a letter which sounds or even fucking looks like “X”
It has almost no use other than to be abused by morons:
* Malcolm X – probably the most intelligent and reasoned use of “X” was completely hijacked and abused by Spike Lee and company in promotion of his movie about the civil rights leader. If you haven’t seen the move: read the book.
* X-Ray – an antiquated technology – call it the “radiation pump”
* Xenophobia – not necessarily that bad as a fear of strangers can keep you from getting humped in the ass and left for dead.
* X Games/Xtreme Sports – I was at Abe’s palatial estate several years ago and we were knocking back a few co-colas when we crossed the “X-Games” on television. Some tattoo encrusted ne’er-do-well was whipping around on some wheeled apparatus and finished his display. His scores came back and he appeared crestfallen. Abe blurted out: Awww…apparently he didn’t have enough tribal tattoos for the judges to award him a victory.
* Generation X – if American pop culture can’t put a name on every generation, they’ll die trying. Still don’t know what the fuck Generation X is, other than lightning fast edits, warmed over punk music and designer drugs. Never mind that most people in that age group could give a shit less about those things – DON’T LOOK BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!!
* And of course the latest genius to put “X” in their moniker “xpod” on the mts forum. The genius who hates America yet seems to embrace American thug culture. Well, he’d embrace it if he could do so without his pants falling down. It always cracks me up when I see young American “g’s” duck walking in the mall because their 50″ waist pants obey gravity. Every chance I get I tell them the story behind wearing your pants so your ass is accessible. Bitches in prison do it to alert everyone to the fact that they’re ready to take it in the ass…the lower the pants, the more willing. How ironic that an ass clown like “xpod” him would show up on the day that I review “XXX.”
So Hollywood needs to take all of the above and turn it into a movie: an Xtreme sports athlete/future-prison-bitch Xander Cage of unknown ethnicity (so ethnic, yet not at all) who is forced to become a secret agent for the US in the Czech Republic. It’s James Bond with tattoos, a rap-sheet and a shaved head on a motorcycle. XXXTREME!!!!
Why do secret agents always find themselves surrounded by the most bitchin’ fast modes of transportation that they never have any problems starting, stealing and using to do the lord’s work, as it were? They drop Vin’s sorry ass off in a Columbian drug factory as a “test” and believe it or not, the Columbians are fans of xtreme sports too! Vin just has a field day getting the fuck out of there using the Columbians dirt bikes and blowing shit up in the California…er…Columbian hills. XXXTREME!!!!
Or outrunning an avalanche…on a snowboard. Or employing a ’67 Pontiac GTO to harpoon a biological weapon transport vehicle thingy. XXXTREME!!!!
And you simply MUST have an eastern European thug as the bad guy – someone who looks like Creed’s Scott Stapp but not quite as big an asshole as Stapp. XXXTREME!!!!
Actually, for the record, I have nothing against Vin Diesel…other than the fact that he has the range of a head from Easter Island. As he was kissing the forgettable Russian broad who plays his love interest I was actually worried he’d accidentally eat her face. He looked like a lowland gorilla eating a mango after being starved for a week. XXXTREME!!!!
Look you know how this movie goes – you’ve seen it a dozen times before, only this time it’s XXXTREME!!!!!
p.s. I recommend you go to the official site of XXX and check out the quote in the upper right corner (Mark Allen). Then promptly re-read the cornerstone of moviesthatsuck.com’s existence, “Our Mission” by Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago
Swayzes? If I actually put all the Swayzes on this page that belong here, it would crash the entire internet.