I used to enjoy going to the movies. The charge I got from seeing unbelievably daring acts on a massive screen…my pants around my ankles…massive gazongas swaying rhythmically…wait…uh…wrong theater.
Anyhoo, while we’re on the subject, let’s start with the theaters. Regal Cinemas and their Indian Lake Theater in Hendersonville, Tennessee, USA suck giant blue whale cock. I say giant blue whale cock because the blue whale is the largest mammal in the world and it must be hung like a…a blue whale.
I went to see Men in Black II today and was treated to a swift kick in the balls. As usual the joint was full of mouth-breathing assholes ready to buy the one thing Hollywood still allows theaters to make money selling: overpriced confections. So what do these fuck-wit theater owners do? They staff the concession stand with approximately 1/3 of the people necessary, possessed with 1/6 the intelligence quotient and business acumen of the average Neanderthal. So by the time I get to the counter – being manned and wo-manned by pimply, surly pubescents – I’m madder than a cussed pimp. Just give me my large bag of popcorn (no butter, please) and diet Coke and let me roll my ass up in the theater to see Big Willy put the smackdown on some alien ass.
Me and Shaniqua and our little progeny Kwaleitha get into the theater and shortly after we sit down, the trailers begin…and keep going…and going…and going…FUCK! Who’s running this theater, the friggin’ Energizer Trailer Bunny?! I suffer through “The Country Bears” or some other assorted Disney bilge and think to myself, ok, time for the movie I paid for. But noooooo!!! I have to watch some bullshit animated short called the “Clump Clumps” or some shit like that, then another trailer…the movie opens “Summer 2003!” Great! As soon as I’m done watching this one, I can sneak over to the next screen and see it too!!
Now, finally the last trailer goes away. It’s a damned good thing I had a large bag of popcorn because this brotha can polish off a sack single-handed like Bill Clinton goin’ through college-age-snatch-flavored cigars. So I send my beotch back to the counter to get my second bag and guess what?! These crackers decide that they weren’t making enough cabbage allowing free refills on the large bag, so they create an “EXTRA-LARGE” bag and designate it the free refill size, fucking the poor souls like me who have come to depend on mowing through a few large bags at one sitting.
WELL FUCK ME!!! WHO THE FUCK DONE SAID YOU COULD DO THIS TO THA GOOD DOCTOR?!?!?!
The new large could feed the Burmese Army twelve times over. And that’s a lot ‘cause those poor fuckers have GOT to be hungry. It’s so big I couldn’t touch the bottom without aide of a ladder. I could piss in this thing every day for a year and my whiz still wouldn’t cover the bottom of the bucket. Oprah Winfrey would have a difficult time eating all that corn. It’s that friggin’ big.
What to do, you may ask? I proceeded to break into the manager’s office and piss in his Courvoisier.
So once again I settle down to watch Big Willy in MIBII but right now it’s hard to enjoy anything since I have a Regal Cinemas Popcorn Marketing Double-Dong broken off in my hemorrhoidal ass. The movie sucked. So does Hollywood.