Urban Legends: Final Cut

Starring Joey Lawrence (as Joseph Lawrence) Jennifer Morrison (as Jennifer Morrison) Directed by John Ottman and Written by Paul Harris Boardman & Scott Derrickson

Is this horse dead?

I mean really, fettered, rancid and decaying dead? Are maggots crawling in its gusset and the smell of rotting flesh lingering? Yes? Then let’s flog the bitch some more!

Before PETA tries to get me, I will elaborate. The horse, as you may be aware, is the teen slasher/horror genre. Between three Scream films, two I Know What You Did Last Summers, Halloween H20, Final Destination, The Faculty, Cherry Falls, Idle Hands, Gossip and Urban Legend, this horse is ready for the dog food and glue factories.

Fourteen films in five years, all more or less the same in script or cast. That’s an average of 3.5 teen horror movies per year. At this rate, by 2005 we will have 26 horror films starring someone from “Friends,” and written by or based on an idea by Kevin Williamson. Listen up and listen good, fuck face Ð 14 is enough for one decade!

Let’s look at the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon for teen horror films and see how they are ALL connected to Kevin Williamson: he wrote three Scream films, two IKWYDLS films and Dawsons Creek. Dawsons Creek starred Joshua Jackson. Joshua Jackson was in Gossip and Urban Legend as was Rebecca Gayheart. Miss Gayheart starred in Scream 2 which Williamson wrote. He co-wrote Halloween H20 which starred Josh Hartnett who starred in The Faculty. In Dawsons Creek, Devon Sawer made an appearance and starred in Idle Hands and Final Destination, which starred Ali Larter who was in House on Haunted Hill with Famke Jannsen, who starred in the Faculty which starred Josh Hartnett who was in H20 which was written by Kevin Williamson who cast Sarah Michelle Gellar in Scream2 which starred Rebecca Gayheart, who starred in Urban Legend, which has a sequel starring Joey Lawrence, who starred in Blossom, as did Brittney Murphy who stars in Cherry Falls and James Marsden who stars in Gossip…

Kevin Williamson – stop making teen horrors!

Anyhoo, by the very definition of “sequel,” Urban Legend 2 would normally be an inferior film. Not in this case. It’s as equally shit as the first! Let’s cast our minds back to 1998 when the concept of teen horror had been re-opened. A killer roamed a campus and murdered people in the form of Urband Legends. Although the makers deny that Urban Legend 2 is a direct sequel, a killer roams a campus and kills people in the form of Urban Legends. Call me Mr. Nobby, but if it isn’t a sequel, why have the number 2 in the title? Why have the same plot line? And why start with the same stereotypical black female security guard “Pam Greer” wannabe?

The movie follows Amy Mayfield (Morrison), a student at Alpine University who struggles to complete her thesis film on urban legends – only to have her crew members fall prey to fatal ‘accidents.’ (Accidents my arse!) Suspicious, Amy investigates and discovers a much more sinister hand at work. Now she must unmask the killer before she, too, becomes an urban legend. Forgive me for saying this, but which cunt decided that a mix of Scream 3, I Know What You Did and Urban Legend would be a good idea.? The plot is thin (anorexic), it has more piss-poor twists and the acting is second rate.

After this movie I watched “Attack of the Flesh Devouring Space Worms From Outer Space.” It was a better film. The acting was hammy, the props moved and the script was poor, but they knew it and played to it! Save £5 or £7 don’t bother with UL2. I can heartily recommend Attack of the Flesh Devouring Space Worms From Outer Space, however. It may not have some wanker whose starring role was Blossom’s brother, but it will make the experience of a crap horror more pleasurable!

The movie says Ð Legends Never Die. I say “Shit always floats.” And if this is true, Urban Legend 2 should make it on its own into the Irish sea.

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