911

Everyone calm down, forchristsake. Rufus is unhurt. You can stop building that shrine to my memory.

Here’s the deal: According to speculation amongst the “intelligence” community, some smelly motherfucker who wears a Pizza Hut tablecloth on his head decided to blow up buildings the lowlanders take pictures of whilst saying, “Marge, that’s one tall building.”

I’ve been inside the Pentagon before. Took the nickel tour. I’m still pissed they took away my marijuana paraphernalia, but I digress. Booooorrrrriinnnnngggg. Everyone dresses the same and not a single Nubian princess to be found. Too many hallways, not enough malt liquor.

Now, despite what everyone may think about America, you’ve got to admit this: Someone’s going to be turned into a bucket of extra-crispy chicken. No sane person or government is going to listen to your wishes when your henchmen are flying perfectly good airplanes into the corner office of an investment banker or Lieutenant Colonel in charge of clean sheets on submarines. It makes no sense and will get these chromosome deficient morons nowhere. Like it or not, the people responsible for this attack will be hunted down American History X style, told to put their mouth on the curb, and get their melon splattered for the entire world to see. If you’re going to go carjacking, it pays to do it to the ones who throw rocks, not stinger missiles.

And please, people, have some fucking self respect. Give up on the “dubya” shit in the forum. Al Gore didn’t even win his home COUNTY, much less the state of Tennessee. If you’re going to bitch, talk about something you understand. I grew up about 35 miles from the “home” of this sack of shit: he is universally despised by the people of Tennessee. Should he show up in his “hometown” without his bodyguards, a large portion of the town of Carthage would turn out to spit in his face. He’s what we call a “Limousine Liberal”. He’d run over a homeless person in his limo to get in front of a camera to “stand up for working people.” The only calluses in his hands are the ones caused by his chronic masturbation while looking at pictures of Lenin, not from working. If he were to catch on fire in front of me, I wouldn’t piss on him unless I could piss gasoline.

Anyhoo, everything will return to normal, we’ll continue to play “football” with our hands, we’ll put ice in anything more liquid than Jello, hollywood will continue to give us (and you) the shaft, and I’ll continue to watch five channels of porn, uninterrupted by commercials (except for the commercials that advertise more porn). Yes, that’s right, FIVE channels of porn. America rules.

All kiding aside (but only for this paragraph), I’m in a state of shock. One of my colleagues put it best: “suddenly, my work is irrelevant and meaningless.” Or something like that. I’m drunk… Americans put their pants on one leg at a time, just like you. We get up, do what we do… love, play, cheat, screw, surf, drive, build, invent, lie and laugh just like the rest of the world. The people who died today were just like you, they just happened to be in the wrong place. Those of us who live on in America looked into the eyes of our neighbors and loved ones just a little differently tonight. It was Thanksgiving in September.

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