The Ninth Gate

The Ninth Gate or Why People Who Are Exiled Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Attempt An Avante Garde Movie

When I saw the synopsis for this movie, I was genuinely looking forward to seeing it, and am kinda sad that I have to write the review I am writing about it. I was looking forward to Roman Polanski coming back from exile and making a movie so mindblowing and righteous that NO ONE could deny that he was a genius. Then I saw this movie and have to find out the hard way that he’s had too much mayo with his french fries.

Gentle friends and neighbors, I have not seen such bullshit put on film since Shakes The Clown. Johnny Depp acts with all the energy of David Duchovny (he himself a graduate of the Johnathan Frakes school of Cardboard Acting) on meth. He smokes alot, he sweats alot, and he gets laid a bit. Okay, so one of those times he’s fuckin’ the devil, but that’s beside the point. The point is, he didn’t realize that she was the devil in the goddamn first place!!! During the movie, the clues are laid out for the viewers wider than Raymond Burr’s last spread and this super intelligent weasly puke (Depp) is none the wiser.

Basically the story is this: Depp plays a book broker who is especially weasly and double-dealing. Someone even more weasly and double-dealing (that’s right, the head of a multimedia conglomerate) takes notice of this and offers him a job that will make him money with lots of zeros involved to retrieve a book. Depp does this and gets caught in all sorts of intrigue involving people who look like the drummer for Culture Club trying to kill him and being rescued by foreign student chicks who looks really good. Yawn. Typical stuff.

Then ya find out there’s more than one book. There are actually three and when ya put the pictures from all three books together…it forms Voltron? NO! It brings Hell to Earth by opening (guess?) The Ninth Gate (oooooh). To make an excruciatingly long story short, the media conglomerate weasel fucks up and incurs some sort of wrath, Depp Fucks the Devil and brings Hell to Earth, and it all ends with him walking into some glowing room where he gets to take his place as The Devil’s Loofah.

It’s a very confusing movie which was poorly written and badly directed, not to mention horribly acted. The only saving grace was the concept, which frankly could’ve been kick-ass, had it not been touched by Roman Polanski or Johnny Depp who wants to be Hunter S. Thompson so bad it’s not even funny. Maybe when someone 50 or 60 years from now remakes this flick, it’ll be good. But for now it’s shit and should be treated as much.

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