Planet of the Apes

Alright, all the fellas in the house! gimme a HO! if you want to knock the bottom out of some hot chimp pussy!


Damn straight.

In the new remake of Planet of the Apes, Marky Mark had a perfectly healthy, nubile cromagnon girl dying to service his purple-helmeted astronaut, and what does he do? Cold-shoulders her ass to work the mojo on some chimp broad. Okay, I suppose she was good-looking as far as chimps go. But damn, that cave-bitch was fine. Unfortunately for Planet of the Apes, the bestiality undertones were the most interesting thing in this flick.

Yeah, yeah. Despite the kick-ass ape makeup, this movie still sucked. Anyone who defends it probably liked the original too, with Charlton Heston and his big thick-ass 1970’s waistband overacting in every sweaty scene. “It’s a madhouse. A MAD-HOUSE!” This new version has nothing new or substantial to offer. The apes are stronger and more agile, but they don’t use guns or have technology. In the original, humans grunted and shit like Tarzan trying to get his dump on. Now the humans speak the queen’s English, and the apes still keep them as slaves and consider them inferior.

Motherfucker, if apes today suddenly started lecturing from their cages on the didactic nature of metaphysical being in a homogenous subculture, every ape in every zoo in the world would be freed instantly. And my ass would be having tea and crumpets with Bobo the gorilla from the Bronx Zoo trying to learn some shit. You know what I’m saying?
I think talking apes would tip the evolutionary scales a little bit, don’t you? It’s hard to enslave people who can whip your ass at Jeopardy. My guess is that we’d suddenly give them a shitload of their habitat back and start listening to what they had to say.

“Here Mr. Gorilla, take back some of your mist and shit.”

Yeah, I know. Apes aren’t the same as gorillas. Gorillas, apes, orangutans…what’s the difference?

“You’re so insensitive Ray. Some of those species are endangered!”

Yeah? Well you know what? It’s time to evolve opposable thumbs and learn how to build Swiss watches bitch. I hope the zoo cagecleaners union goes on strike and your mama finds her way into monkeyland wearing a white dress.

Was I supposed to get some sort of message from this movie? Something about mankind’s morality as it relates to the treatment of other species? Or was it that the writer of Planet of the Apes cranked out a “science fiction” script with more glaring holes than the Mustang Ranch. Either way, I only walked out of the theater with one of those messages in my head. Wanna guess which one?

Gimme a HO! if you enjoy predictable, ridiculous, blockbuster bullshit!.

Yep. I feel ya.

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