OK, so I know I haven’t been reviewing movies lately. I’ve been out of the trenches for nearly a year, writing the highly successful “Ask Octavia” column, which has earned me quite the impressive salary (roughly $0, American) and brought me all the spoils that fame brings (drugs, groupies, a few rectal warts that I just can’t seem to shake…). But after I went out and finally saw this highly anticipated follow-up to “The Sixth Sense”, I knew I had to blow the dust off of my keyboard, break out my ass-reaming skills and tear this bitch apart.

First, let’s hit the basics:

“Unbreakable” features Bruce Willis who stars as security guard David Dunn, the sole survivor of a train wreck (ironic, considering Willis’ career survived THIS virtual train wreck called “Unbreakable”). Not only was he the only passenger to live, but he was completely unharmed. This causes comic book-obsessed Elijah Price, played by Samuel L. Jackson with Lionel Jefferson’s hairdo, to hit David with an incredible theory: Elijah, AKA “Mr. Glass”, who is all but crippled due to a brittle-bone disease, believes David is the “Anti-Price” and has all which he himself lacks. A penis and a bank account. (No, not really. Just seeing if you’re paying attention…) The two of them seem to be linked by a curve, but sitting on opposite ends. At first, David cries “Bullshit!” as does the viewer, and believes that Price is nuttier than a squirrel’s stool sample at his annual physical, but soon realizes that everything this gimpy “What’s Happenin’?” looking geek had said proves to be true: David has never ever been sick in his life, he’s faster than a speeding bullet, and more powerful than “The Loco-Motion”. And as you know, “Everybody’s doin’ a brand new dance, now.” I mean, if EVERYONE’s doin’ it, that’s powerful shit. And he’s MORE powerful? OK, I guess I’ve run that bit into the ground. If you STILL don’t get that reference, I don’t know what to tell you…

So anyway, I’m saying to myself, “Cool. A modern-day comic book character. A superhero. I can deal with this.” It’s a good idea, in theory. But then again, Communism was a good idea IN THEORY. The entire premise would fine and dandy, had they sped the process along. This movie is slower than a DMV employee on a smoke break during Malcom X’s birthday, and the lighting is so bad I believed that Ronnie Milsap was the lighting director. And for God’s sake, somebody get some scissors and cut the hair of Bruce Willis’ on-screen son! His head looks like the ass of an un-groomed Persian cat; all matted with clumps of shit dangling everywhere. (Not sure how my mind dominoed to that, but I had to get that off my chest. Just thought I’d share…)

Then there was the big “surprise ending”. M. Night Shymalan (who wrote and directed this bag of flaming dog deposit that was placed on my doorstep) is famous for his big finishes, such as the ending of “The Sixth Sense”. I just know that he spent days trying to come up with a climax that would make the audience go, “Holy Pope Balls! No way did that just happen! I just pissed all over the ‘Econo-sized’ Kit Kat bar that my wife snuck into the theater using her birth canal and a roll of Scotch tape”! But he falls waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay short here. The ending is predictable (Samuel Jackson ends up being the bad guy) , and the whole thing leaves the audience wishing they’d ventured in to see the private screening of “Dude, Where’s my Car? – The Director’s Cut”, which features an additional 6-hours of those mouth-breathing shitbricks attempting to locate their own cock in a dark room.

Bottom line: “Unbreakable” is Unwatchable. Avoid it like rectal warts. Which reminds me, I have a doctor’s appointment. Gotta run…

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