The Hole

The Hole aka After the Hole (US) aka Secluded Empty Space (South Africa, Europe)

Directed by Nick Hamm, written by Guy Burt, Ben Cort, Caroline Ip.

Starring Thora Birch, Desmond Harrington, Daniel Brocklebank, Laurence Fox. Run Time : 102 minutes

Where do I start ?? Lets begin with a joke. Whats the difference between The Hole and a bucket of shit? That’s right – The bucket !

Fuck this movie was bad! For a start they should have incorporated the word “Arse” in to the title and shot the cast post production to stop any further abominations!

How could this movie have taken 3 people to write it? I think if you went to the local asylum, confiscated medication and given 3 inmates pens and paper followed by industrial strength laxatives and no toilet roll, you would have ended up with less shit in the script!

This is by no means an easy review for me. Not only is it a british film but it is also one that I was relishing the idea of watching. For moons the trailers had pounded screens in the UK, this was bound to be the best british offering since Guy Ritchie flopped his nob into Madonna’s mouth. But sadly……No!

Straight away, I should have cottoned on to the fact that this film would have it’s drawbacks. Most Americans have a problem with the english accent. There are a number of different accents in the UK – scouse (Liverpool), cockney (London), geordie (North East), brummie (Midlands) Manc (Manchester) etc….. What I find really puzzling is the fact that american actors always try a mish mash of different styles of accent that are so transparent that it makes he movie difficult to watch. Thora Hird, oh sorry, Birch, seemed to be in complete control for the first sentence and then ends up within 5 minutes with an accent that would make Dick Van Dyke blush more than his own in Mary Poppins!

In short, a cheeky chimney sweep Thora Birch is not!

The film itself looked to be written like a 12 year old FOR a twelve year old. I can’t believe that this had THREE writers! This is kiddies time people. When I was younger I hated the idea of being locked in a room with someone I didn’t particularly know well, now it’s just a standard Saturday night in the cells for me ! The aim was for kids, it was shot for adults, and it entertained no one!

The film gesticulates obsession, lust and deceit. That’s fine when you can deliver the goods, don’t get me wrong, we had nekkidness, sex and debauchery. They were the good bits! But then the plot falters. Basically, a girl called Liz (Birch), moves to a boarding school and becomes obsessed with the son of a famous rock star, Mike. They go in a WWII bomb shelter instead of a field trip and get locked in for 2 weeks. As the Hole is timed around a 2 week school holiday, they are not going to be found. (Clever eh?)

Liz and Mike fall in love, but this makes no sense on the fact that she is the sole survivor when she emerges. The film has 2 sides – One which Liz tells everyone including the police, which is that they were all enjoying themselves and they all fell for each other. She says that they were locked in by a school geek who has the only key and he is obsessed with Liz. When the truth emerges (100 minutes later) it transpires that SHE locked them all in and caused them to go stir crazy one by one so she could get the boy. Needless to say when her advances are spurned by Mike. He goes nuts, she goes nuts, the other two go nuts, in fact they ALL go nuts until it looks like they are all knee deep in squirrel shit.

Normally, I like a film that will give twists and turns all over, but this was shite. The cast were implausible, the script was nasty and the art house direction was very poor.

When the credits rolled, I felt like I had been trapped for 2 weeks in a hole – with Jon Lovitz, Richard Simmons and Tom Arnold. I was fucking knackered.

This movie extracted all life force and will to live. When the big plot burst comes, it didn’t shoot out and give block buster potential, it simply dribbled cinematic disappointment down the leg of my brain.

Also, I don’t appreciate the cunning rouse to trick cinema goers by giving this shit 3 names. The Hole is also After the Hole and Secluded Empty Space ( a bit like my head after watching it!) So don’t be fooled -avoid all 3!

Now I wonder what the fuck I was doing sitting through that piece of shit just so I can review it for you guys! Then it dawned on me, we all have our own little hole, everyone does. My advice to you is, rather than go to see or rent The Hole, stay at home and play with your own!

This entry was posted in movies that suck. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *