Bring It On

Directed by Peyton Reed, Written by Jessica Bendinger, Starring Kirsten Dunst, Eliza Dushku, Jesse Bradford, Gabrielle Union. Duration 98 minutes

Having never been a car mechanic or a TV repair man, I have no idea of the lives they lead. Apparently, it’s not all sex. Similarly, having never been a cheerleader, I did not realize how distraught I would be watching Bring It On. The shock factor resulted from the fact that, for years, PORN FILMS HAVE BEEN LYING TO ME! I rented Bring It On on DVD from a local outlet which, in the UK, we call a video shop. The last thing on my mind was the shocking discovery that I was about to make.

The box for the disc was very appealing: two cheerleaders dancing next to each other in their uniforms with “Bring It On” emblazoned across the top. I turned to my girlfriend and said, “This looks good, honey.” What I actually meant was, “I have to rent this sure-fire lesbian interracial sucking, licking sex-fest.” She agreed and we rented. We raced home, cooked food, dimmed the lights, and snuggled up for a hefty night of lovin’.

Then we played the movie.

At that point, I was soooooooo excited. Cheerleaders and sex. What a quality combination. But guess what? No sex. What the fuck? Apparently, as I was informed after viewing the film, car mechanics never have beautiful blondes climb on top of them while they’re under a car on a trolly bed. Milkmen don’t get sex off every female customer that’s on their rounds. Washing machine repairmen actually take payment in money. And cheerleaders don’t fill in time between routines by having lots of horny, sweaty, man-free sex. GUTTED!

In all honesty, Bring It On has quite a sweet storyline. Kirsten Dunst is a newly-appointed cheerleader-leader who inherits a routine from her predecessor. Then she finds out the routine has been stolen from an inner-city school who can barely afford to compete. So Kirsten changes the routine to one that has been choreographed by a professional and they think they are saved. When they get to the big cheerleading competition, they find that the choreographer has already sold the routine to another school, so they are stuck with two routines that other people are already using. The rest is pretty fucking predictable up to the point where Kristen and her rival kiss and make up — unfortunately, not literally. It’s a shame that they didn’t feel the need to even step near soft-core as the girls (Kirsten, Eliza Dushku and Gabrielle Union) are absolute stunners. Still, the best parts of the movie are on the trailer and on the poster.

Personally, I feel that if they are going to don the uniforms and make the effort, they could have at least had the courtesy to do the splits over each other’s faces.

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