Has Kevin Costner had a lobotomy? The last time I saw a performance this wooden, Al Gore was giving a speech. Were the cue cards for this movie written in big fat kindergarten crayon? If you thought Eyes Wide Shut was slow, shit! Whip out the thick brown molasses for this puppy.
Message in a Bottle has Robin Wright Penn finding a love letter in a bottle at the beach. The letter is so romantically written that her panties instantly turn to pudding. Normally, that’d be enough for me and my hot tamale candy to sprint toward the exit. But I’m devoted to you damn people, so I swallowed the bile and watched on.
Mrs. Penn tracks down the author of the message, secretly hoping that he’s single and ready to dampen her undies with some more flowery prose. Well he’s single alright…. and a TOTAL BLITHERING RETARD! Watching this movie made me uncomfortable. Whoever wrote this saccharine-infested log managed to make Kevin Costner the most unlikable buffoon ever. That, combined with Costner’s deadpan delivery of every line, created probably the dullest character in modern cinema. You could tell Robin Wright-Penn thought he was a buffoon too, especially when they had to get all touchy-feely with each other. It was like watching an episode of Love Connection where the two people on the date really hate each other…a lot.
Robin: Well Chuck, I ummm… opened the door and he was just sort of standing there.
Chuck: What did you think about the way he looked Robin?
Robin: He looked like a total blithering retard Chuck. He had this dopey grin on his face, his pants were too short, and he had a hair thicker than a guitar string hanging out of his nose.
Chuck: And what was your first impression of Robin, Kevin?
Robin: He prattled on and on about his dead wife at dinner. He ordered everything on the menu but “Thank You,” and he went for the breadsticks like a damn piranha. Did I mention that he’s also incredibly boring? I missed just about everything he said, I was focusing on his skull… you know, trying to see if I could spot the scars from his brain surgery. Kudos to the surgeons, you couldn’t see a thing. It’s not like I missed him saying something important. It took him ten minutes to tell me why he prefers the pre-packaged butter pats over cutting it off the stick himself. Like I gave a monkey’s nuts…
Chuck: Whoa! Kevin? Rebuttal?
Chuck: It’s clear this was not a love connection, let’s see who the audience chose for Robin…. hmmmm… Forest Gump, 98%. What do you think Robin? We’ll pay for the date if you want to go out with Forest.
Robin: Why the hell not, Chuck? He can’t be any dumber than Einstein over there.