There’s only one thing more predictable than Rufus risin’ up late in the morning and pinchin’ a loaf the size of French bread…yes, it’s “The Wedding Planner.” I’m not one to accuse hollyweird of pandering…buuuuut, Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Lopez…for chrissake! How the hell do you think Shaniqua got me to go see this movie? Jennifer Lopez gots more ass than a donkey…that fine mocha-flavored rump heaving rhythmically on ol’ Rufus’…but I digress…McConaughey and Lopez. Wow! Nothing says “chemistry” like a southern-fried late-twenties wanna-be stud and a Puerto Rican control-freak with a caboose the size of Magic Mountain. This plug-in-the-jokes and innuendo dry-hump limps along worse than Christopher Reeves if he could get out of his chair.
And about this wedding shit. Let’s get somethin’ striz-eight, beotchs: no man alive wants to get married. There are only three reasons why we do, none of which pertains to our longing for your companionship beyond the amount of time it takes for us to get our fuck on:
1. We knocked you up.
Yep, the monkey barfed whilst on a drunken binge in Tuna Town. Simply forgot to leave before releasing the tadpoles. (This is why Rufus got married…each time).
2. We’re doomed.
You know the guy. Could fuck up Cornflakes. Hooks up with some leech of a whore and becomes so intertwined with the nutbag and all her problems that he finally gives in and officially gives away his life to the soul-sucking succubus.
3. We’re pathetic.
Let’s say you’re a buck-toothed Trekkie with chronic B.O., a cleft pallet and dandruff so bad the local schools close in the winter when you go out in the wind without a hat. You’re sidled up to the new Dungeons and Dragons modules at the local hobby shop when the town spaz catches your lazy eye. You’re so smitten you give away your best sorcerer. She comes back to your parents basement, throws all your action figures off your display table and milks your ballbag dry. Let’s face it, either you get married to this skeezer or you’re jerkin’ the gherkin for the rest of your life.
There you have it ladies, your wedding fantasies have no basis in reality, just like The Wedding Planner.