The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

OK, I’ve seen a LOT of movies throughout my life. That’s not to say that I’ve necessarily seen more than YOU (I have), but let’s just say that a video rental store is completely useless to me, except for the New Release section. It is there that I dig through the true dreck; those films that not even “I” would see in a theater. My general rule of the New Release section is this: If you haven’t seen it, you must rent it. There. That explains why I rented this putrid and moronic piece of garbage. I’ve said it before and I’ll (undoubtedly) say it again: There is nothing in the world of cinema more pathetic than a comedy with no laughs.

I guess the best place to begin is with a nice wet SLAP in the face to all of the producers who helped nurture this project along. The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle is easily the most insipid and uninspired of all the ‘TV-to-film’ movies yet. (And keep in mind that means it’s a worse movie than The Mod Squad, The Avengers, and even The Beverly Hillbilles!) Screenwriter Kenneth Lonergan apparently feels that he can fill an entire movie with truly awful and unfunny gags, as long as the onscreen characters make constant references to how awful and unfunny the gags are.

Hey look, it’s John Goodman as a cop. How…hysterical.

I won’t even insult your intelligence by attempting to describe a ‘plot’ to you, as that would take infinitely more creativity than director Des McAnuff invested into this garbage heap. Suffice to say that Rocky and Bullwinkle, the old-school cartoon heroes, are somehow zapped into the real world and are recruited to thwart their old nemeses, Boris Badanov, Natasha Fatale and Fearless Leader. The villainous plan is to ‘zombify’ the population of America by addicting them to some really bad TV shows…OK, enough of this crap.

–>If I could just interrupt for a second and adopt a less professional (yet considerably more clear) tone<--- You assholes. You greedy, pathetic Hollywood jerks. I realize with the big Creativity Drought going on out there in Cali you might have some trouble coming up with new ideas, but why Rocky & Bullwinkle? Why couldn't you suited monkeys go option something like Hong-Kong Phooey or Quick Draw McGraw? You just HAD to prostitute one of the most clever and entertaining cartoons ever, forever linking your atrocious product with a truly beloved animated series! I thought this movie would be stupid, to be sure, but I never imagined that it would be this pathetic. Hey look. It's Whoopi Goldberg as a judge. How...truly funny. To say that the actors humiliate themselves in this movie is like saying that Cancer is mildly inconvenient. I was having a tough time deciding who the King of Pathetic Mugging was. In one corner, we have the diminutive Jason Alexander, who manages to make you NEVER want to see him again. Seriously. No worse off is good ol' Bobby DeNiro as Fearless Leader. The assumption here is that if the old-fashioned serious actor just loosens up and does something for the young crowd, everyone will eat it up. Guess what? DeNiro's performance here does the impossible; it makes you hate him. He's not funny, his awful rat-a-tat accent is instantly grating and he keeps it up in every scene. (Oh, and I hope all you movie fans enjoyed watching DeNiro mock his "You tawkin' to me?" shtick from Taxi Driver, because personally it made me sick.) Oh my God. It's Jonathan Winters as a helicopter pilot. Can't...take all this...hilarity. As I stated earlier, this one is easily as awful as the justifiably trashed Battlefield Earth, but...it's even worse in some respects, as I sincerely believe that the source material of R & B is much more beloved than anything ever written by L. Ron Hubbard! While watching The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle, I felt like something cool and clever from my childhood was being taken from me. It was a small thing, but it was still mine, and it pisses me off that something that was once funny is now just a bombastic CGI-showcase, complete with atrocious cameos and mind-numbing product placements. Surely this is not what movies are meant to be. Here's the formula: Cartoon Characters (Name Recognition & Baby Boomer Appeal) placed in a real-life setting (ample opportunities for unimpressive yet enormously expense FX shots) interact with modern day society (Culture Shock Wackiness and several cameo appearance opportunities) save the day (by pointing out [haha] that TV is dumb! Oh, the satire.) and learn a valuable lesson (I think it was 'Believe in Yourself' and Inspirational Scenes lead to wonderful soundtrack sales). Oh yeah, allll that... AND this is also quite possibly the most annoying film ever made.

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