Pitch Black

I did not start out on the right foot with Pitch Black. To begin with, some joker at the video store put Pitch Black in the African-American porn section. Imagine my disappointment when, expecting “Gangbangers IV- the Crips Take Vassar,” I was instead subjected to the bargain-basement sci-fi which is Pitch Black.

And secondly, on the other foot, it sucked real bad. Not sucked bad like a white Vassar girl with overly-perfect orthodontia. But rather, sucked like the underdeveloped post-birth abortion of a movie it was.

While the underlying premise (and some of the F/X) of the movie is interesting, it was executed more laughably than a freshman sorority gal trying to chug twelve inches of limp ebony hose. I spent the whole movie saying aloud, “How in the living name of fuck did they KNOW that?” “They” in this case being space travellers who become shipwrecked on a planet with three suns, and “that,” also in this case, being every goddamn thing under those three suns. With absolutely no real evidence, and no scientific proof whatsoever, the space travellers divine that:

1)There are ferocious creatures on the planet show will eat you, but only after dark.

2)There’s an iminent tri-solar eclipse that will give said creatures a whole lotta dinnertime.

3)The creatures are attracted to menstruating women (apparently none of ’em were male).

4)The creatures can’t see you if you stand up to them like the Billy Badass you are!

and 5) A pickle jar full of fireflies is better than a fully automatic assault rifle.

Lots more Fi than Sci here folks, if that’s what you’re into.

The supporting subplots didn’t ring true either. Who can think about inane inter-character conflicts when some computer-generated alien wants to eat your ass? Yet every character has at least one. A conflict, that is. With some other character. Always during an alien attack.

Personally, I prefer to see my conflicts resolved with lots of gang-signing, a buncha trashy white chicks, and copious amounts of anal intrusion. But that’s just me.

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