The Rock

This film would’ve been better titled “The Cock,”, ’cause boy does it chug a big one. As I sat watching this atrocity, I wondered aloud how they ever got competent actors like Sean Connery, Ed Harris, and Nicholas Cage to sign on the dotted line for this one. The ridiculous plot premise to “The Cock” goes like this: a retired Army general (Harris) who has led several contingents of elite special forces (Marines in this scenario) during various conflicts dating from Vietnam, is pissed because financial reparations have not been made to the families of covert military agents who’ve been killed in action. His plan? Steal a shitload of rockets armed with deadly nerve gas, set them up on Alcatraz (??!!) and aim them toward San Francisco. If he doesn’t get a gazillion dollars from the US government to pay off the families (and the ubiquitous gaggle of super-soldiers who are helping him pull off this plan) then he’ll gas San Francisco with the rockets and pretty much wipe out the entire populace. What the General doesn’t plan for is the fact that he’s not prepared to actually kill US civilians if the government calls his bluff or counterattacks. Fuckin A! No wonder we got our asses blown off in ‘Nam if idgits like this were only one move deep in the chess game.

This piece of crap is chock full of: cool code names, no-necked Marine Corps psychos, Semper Fi on steroids out the ass, jagged hunting knives, beleagured Pentagon staffers, laughably flimsy human interest subplots, transparent one-liner setups, witty repartee under mega-voluminous gunfire, James Bond rip-offs, Nick Cage’s forehead, fanciful smoke and lighting effects, every action movie cliche ever seen including several meaningless car chases through San Francisco, and more latent/ subliminal homosexuality than a WWF wrestling match.

The only reason Alcatraz is even in the picture is to provide a role for Sean Connery as the the greasy yet omnipotent hippy who busted out of the Rock. Connery and Nick Cage’s character, an FBI chemical weapons expert, are sent to stop the General. Cage has to disarm the rockets by dismantling them by hand , thus forcing him to handle oh-so-carefully the volatile orbs of nerve gas within. This of course provides for shitloads of “edge-of-your-seat” thrills as the globes of gas roll across the floor, down his pants, etc. I have a question… why doesn’t he just smash the goddamn rocket control panels that are a prop in every scene? Wouldn’t the terrorists just be stuck with a bunch of nerve gas on an island with no way to launch it if he did that? Awww hell… avoid this movie like mustard gas.

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