Little Nicky

Starring Adam Sandler, Harvey Keitel, Patricia Arquette, Rhys Ifans, Tom ‘Tiny’ Lister Jr. Kevin Nealon and Jon Lovitz. Directed by Steven Brill, written by Adam Sandler and Tim Herlihy . Run Time 84 minutes.

I have a confession to make: I steal from Hollywood. I have the ability to view films before they are released, with the help of a small place called “The Market.” Allow me to explain.

“The Market” is a wonderful place filled with trinkets, cheap clothes, quality deals on motor parts, fast food burger vans and, above all, video piracy. That’s right! Illegal copies of every film out between now and Christmas. For £5 per video and £7 per DVD, who can argue? Okay, you don’t get the feeling of fresh hot phlegm being coughed over the back of your neck like you do in the cinema, but you do get the all-over good feeling that the money you spent goes solely to the people who need it and not to some big fat cigar/crack-smoking homosexual in Hollywood.

I walked to the stall rather gingerly the first time I saw it. At first I thought I was dreaming: row upon row of videos with laser-copied covers. Everything from video nasties to Pokemon 2. I swallowed hard and moved closer. At first, I didn’t know where to start looking. The “oldest” on the shelf was a Rufus Jackson favourite: Me, Myself and Irene. With sweaty palms and a fiver outstretched, I purchased my copy of the latest Adam Sandler “Blockbuster” Little Nicky.

(Understand before I review this is that I am not religious in any way. If you are religious, then be advised that there will be blasphemous remarks made from here on in.)

Adam Sandler. Funny guy. Maybe. Recently, he has been very ill. He has almost died of a fatal illness called “SMS.” For this disease, there is no cure. If you look deep within your soul, you will find that when an actor, who has previously made funny, shit-your-pants- laughing, horrendously amusing films, suddenly turns to a gibbering unfunny mess, it becomes clear: SMS. “Steve Martin Syndrome”

Sadly, Adam Sandler is on his way to SMS. Steve Martin started on a high with films like The Jerk, The Man With Two Brains, The Three Amigos and Parenthood. Then, shite like Housesitter, LA Story and Sgt Bilko marred his career. Even a wanker like Eddie Murphy couldn’t pull Steve from the mire in which he was stuck. Sandler is a carbon. Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison and the Wedding Singer were fine films which made his name. Of late however, we see he is falling with a twatfest of films such as The Waterboy, Big Daddy and finally, Little Nicky.

Nicky is Satan’s son and, like in the Omen, he has a definitive objective: to take over the world. But guess what? Nicky doesn’t follow his father’s plan. He is a slacker who would rather enjoy himself and use his father’s powers to make life easier. THAT’S IT ! NO CLEVER TWISTS, JUST A POOR SCRIPT! Isn’t it a refreshing change to see Adam Sandler play a talented slacker or a determined mental retard? IT’S THE SAME OLD SHIT! He is Happy Gilmore. He is Robbie Hart. He is Sonny Koufax. He is every fucking character that he has ever been before! If you want laughs, I recommend that you go and rent The Jerk or Happy Gilmore. If you want to see a retard make you laugh, rent There’s Something About Mary. If you want to see a Sandler film made in the last three years that will make you laugh, you’re fucked! The Waterboy was passable, Big Daddy was poor, and now due to the “SMS” infestation, Little Nicky is truly a pile of Sgt Bilko.

Earlier I mentioned that I may get a little blasphemous, so I’ll make it quick. If you don’t want to see, look away now. God is a whore and the pope is his pimp! Why else would he put his name to so much, yet never shows his face? Imagine if I got my wife Fanny to write a book saying that I created the earth, yet never turned up for the main event, no one would believe it. Jesus is another. Have you noticed that the fucker only got really famous after he turned the water to wine? He got the disciples pissed up! “Drink this, it used to be water,” he said. “It’ll make you believe I’m the son of God!” Fuck that! It was probably an early version of super-strength lager! Get Ôem shitfaced and preach. The bastards recover hungover and have flashbacks from the night before. Jesus can walk on water. In fact, he stood on a fucking sewage pipe, trying to recover his beach ball.

Like watching Little Nicky, you are probably in a quandry about what to think of my last remarks. Jesus had credibilty because he was genuinely artisitic. Adam Sandler is stuck in a rut. I am not comparing them because Jesus only made two films and he looks like Willem Defoe in one of them. Plus Adam Sandler doesn’t get the clergy to do his PR. The only way I would watch Little Nicky again, is if the real Anti-Christ came and strapped me to a chair and kept my eyes open by stamping on my balls with his cloven hooves and intruding my dilligence each time I nodded off. Pretty soon the balls would go numb though, and at that point I’m saved.

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