The Crew

This is not a funny movie. While many films would consider that a form of praise, it’s safe to assume that a comedy movie is shooting for a stronger endorsement. While the awful script makes it pretty obvious when you’re supposed to be laughing, it simply isn’t engaging or entertaining at all. This crew of actors deserves a lot better than such tired and forced jokes like ‘old man farting’, ‘old man peeing’, and ‘old man farting again’.

This bargain-basement comedy tells the story of four old mobster buddies, who decide to jump start their long-dormant wise guy careers. They piss together, fart together, sleep together and basically act like four wrinkly lovers.

In an attempt to scare off the young tenants, the four codgers stage a ‘mob hit’ in the lobby of their hotel. Unfortunately, the corpse they grab is that of a local drug dealer’s father, and he’s not happy about it. It’s these kinds of ridiculous and contrived coincidences that will have you rolling your eyes in sheer annoyance. The Jennifer Tilly’s fat tits show up, and you’re almost entertained.

Richard Dreyfuss is so awful in this movie, I wanted to throw ape shit at him. Burt Reynolds is unpleasant and dull. All Dan Hedaya does is yell and show off his poor dental health. As the allegedly ‘sexy’ member of the crew, Seymour Cassel resembles a pale walrus.

Director Michael Dinner is just awful. Here he shows why his previous movies (Off Beat, Heaven Help Us and the talking-horse epic Hot to Trot) suck wet ass. It’s because he’s directing them! Is there like a LIST of lame-o directors reserved for scripts as atrocious as this one?

One huge mistake that lazy screenwriters often make: They often confuse ‘funny dialogue’ with ‘ripping off scenes whole from other (monumentally better) movies’. Halfway through this seemingly 4-hour movie, there’s a ponderously obvious reference to the brilliant ‘restaurant entrance’ sequence in Goodfellas.

Watching the scene, I was struck by how often this happens, and for the sake of clarity I will restate “A simple reference to an earlier movie is not funny.” It’s lazy, it’s annoying, and all it really does is remind an audience of how cool that other movie was in relation to how shit-covered and dumb this current one is.

While the unending string of immature and brutally unfunny gags is pretty horrible to behold, the ham-handed attempts at melodrama are even worse. It’s astonishing to see something resembling an apparently earnest tone pop up, since the film is essentially a collection of jokes that even Mad Magazine would reject as ‘too infantile’.

Since it’s obvious that this movie is aimed at a decidedly older audience, it would seem that a film geared for senior citizens would perhaps treat their intended audience with a small degree of respect. In the world of this movie, the elderly are all defined as cheap, garish, loud, unattractive, violent, vulgar or near death. “Hey, old people! Come see my movie, even though we treat the elderly like scabby assholes for 100 minutes!”

Yeah, it’s just a little mob comedy. But you know what? It sucks a lot of dick, and I don’t mean that in a good way. Hey, screenwriters! If you can’t include at least a few good jokes in your script, go work at fuckin’ Burger King.

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