The Replacements

Chris Peddie…I feel your pain. Ol’ Rufus loves American football…but damn…couldn’t hollywood at least crank out a decent flick while they’re out there withouth all those friggin’ cameras, gaffers, best boys and whatnot?

I didn’t notice who wrote “The Replacements” but it had to be someone who has never actually laughed. Hell, “Any Given Sunday” was funnier than this motherfucker. And just a note to those of you who haven’t seen “Any Given Sunday”…it wasn’t a comedy.

“The Replacements” is filled with more clich├ęs than an AC/DC song: Pro football players are arrogant thugs who make too much money, drive expensive cars and treat the rest of the world like their own private toilet…is that a big surprise? And here’s another shocker…the rag-tag team of no-names hired as scabs to replace striking players…lessee what we’ve got here…there’s the insane, bloody-nosed linebacker/former swat team cop, there’s the overweight black brothers who dress like pimps and carry large semi-automatic handguns…there’s the convict who shows up to practice in an orange jump suit and handcuffs, escorted by law enforcement…there’s the pulled-himself-up-by-the-bootstraps-all-American-kid deaf tight end, the jittery class clown wide receiver with the Buckwheat ‘fro who can’t catch because they’re not throwing watermelons…thow in the hard-drinking, cigarette-smoking, soccer-playing place kicker and the washup quarterback with “lots of heart” who can take time off from his job as a barnacle-scraping loser to lead the Washington Sentinels to the playoffs in a last second victory over the Dallas…the Dallas…does it matter what their name is? The Dallas Fucking Morons. They’d have to be morons to lose to this rag-tag gang of shit-bags.

I’ll admit, I didn’t have the urge to fall asleep during “The Replacements” like I did during “Drowning Mona” the night before. Of course, the only reason for that is I slept until noon today and went to see “The Replacements” only four hours later. The snoring from the other fifty people in the audience kept me awake also.

If you have an afternoon…or a few IQ points to spare, go see “The Replacements.” Otherwise, do yourself, and the rest of the world a favor and pray for the untimely demise of Keanu Reeves.

The Replacements gets 9 Swayzes:

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