I like watching people get eaten. In addition to porn, I also like watching people get eaten by monsters. Pick your phylum, it’s all good: rats, bats, cats, gnats, snails, quails, gerbils in the habitrails, germs, worms, alien sperms, hares, bears, or people from under the stairs. If someone’s getting bit, watch where I’ll sit.

OK, enough free-form poetry. Let’s talk. I like movies where people get killed in bizarre and silly ways. Take the movie Bats for example. It has actors in it. Most of them converse for a while, and then lots of them get killed by a giant flock of bats. The killing occasionally flares up now and again, but there’s an explosion at the end, and the easily pleased are once again…easily pleased.

What makes Bats different from say, oh I don’t know…. Frogs, Ants, Bees or Lawyers? Well, there’s a real lot of plot exposition involving doody. Bat doody, to be precise. (And here I thought Ace Ventura had all the best ‘guano’ gags.) And there’s comic relief, of course. (He’s skinny and black, which I found a refreshing change of pace.)

When reading about a movie like Bats, people generally want to know two things: Are there cool killings, and do any actors I know humiliate themselves? Yes on both counts here. Although most of the attack scenes look like they were filmed in a loud closet, there are a few nasty scenes. I recommend (well–‘recommend’ is a relative term here) the R-rated version available on DVD. It has a few extra blood spurts, and I feel that alone is worth a $250 investment (not counting all the DVDs you’ll want to buy.)

Lou Diamond Philips appears to be the sidekick waiting for the hero to show up. But he was game. He always is. He lives from check to check, guys. He was in Young Guns. Cut him some slack. Dina Meyer is cute as the world’s cutest bat-ologist. So cute in fact that you almost forget you could see her third nipple on the Starship Troopers DVD (or a really solid VCR). Leon (no last name necessary for such a big star) mumbles a lot as the aforementioned thin person, and Bob (the dick from Patch Adams) Gunton is an evil scientist who gets his but good.

A step above Lake Placid thanks to a higher body count. A step below Deep Blue Sea because sharks are cooler than bats. A step below Anaconda because it wasn’t nearly as funny, and a step above Chariots of Fire, because bats biting through people is cooler than running.

This entry was posted in movies that suck. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *