The Astronaut’s Wife

This movie is so damn slow, I think I got younger as I watched it. What is it with these pretentious big-budget “thrillers”? Why are they so afraid to actually try and scare people? There was so little that went on, I was afraid I would have trouble coming up with stuff to say about it, but as soon as the lights went on, and I woke up, I was ready to go.

BBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-
IIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!

My personal dictionary defines this type of boring as such:

“Dull, slow and uneventful. Holy crap, I’m bored.”

That’s what I call a definition, and it certainly applies to this movie. Johnny Depp (obviously eager to break out of the string of quality roles he’s been getting) is an astronaut with blond streaks who has a “blackout” (see: plot device) during a very run-of-the-mill outer space expedition. When he comes back, he certainly seems normal. Well, as normal as we can expect, since we see maybe 12 seconds of character development before he is blasted into space.

Anyway, he starts acting weird, staring at his wife’s belly and smirking. The Astronaut’s Wife (!) is played by Charlize Theron who is played by Mia Farrow, and she does a good job of looking pretty, then scared, then confused, running the gamut of emotions back to pretty. She is soon pregnant with twins, and if you don’t know where we’re (slowly) headed by now, you should be renting more good movies, and less time reading about this crap movie.

I’d mention a few good supporting actors and a few creepy scenes that do indeed stand out, but they simply don’t exist. I began to get the feeling that this was a really long music video they decided to add dialogue to. (No offense to the word dialogue.) The Astronaut’s Wife slowly begins to realize that her husband is…different! I couldn’t tell, except that Depp’s Elvis impression dipped a little into Gomer Pyle country.

I really hated this one. To try and excite sci-fi fans with studio doody like this really steams my clams. There is absolutely nothing here to recommend, although the end credits were a wonderful experience.

Two idiots act weird for two hours, one attempts a self-abortion with pills (nice scene, guys), and an alien presence that looks like Aqua-Fresh shows up before the ridiculously familiar ending. All in all, this is a movie you’ll want to slap.

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