Monthly Archives: February 2000

The Beach

I usually pack a gat when I go to the movies, underneath my double-tweed vest right next to my pocketwatch. Carrying my piece is mandatory on the weekends, because the theater is always crammed with teens.

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The Lightning Round

OK, kids. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, what with the house arrest, and the fact that I lost my job at the White Castle. So I’ve been watching the hell out of Pay Per View … Continue reading

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The Blair Witch Project

While the concept of The Blair Witch Project is genuinely original, the movie itself hardly deserves such praise as “scariest movie ever made” or “work of genre-redefining brilliance.” Okay, so it’s a great idea. A great idea that never comes … Continue reading

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I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

Before I start ripping Jennifer Love Hewitt a new poop chute, I thought I’d answer a fan letter:

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Can’t Hardly Wait

There are a few things you can count on in this world. 1. Car dealers are slimy fucks who would rather fuck your eyeballs out than tell you the truth. 2. Women put emotion before logic. Period. 3. 99.9% of … Continue reading

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Eye of The Beholder

The world needs another crappy serial killer flick like I need more tooth decay. Well, sonofabitch if I didn’t go to the dentist yesterday and find an oozing pustule on upper bicuspid #2. I got a cavity, and the world … Continue reading

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Meet Joe Black

Since I’m new here at moviesthatsuck.com, our publisher wanted to make sure the first movie I reviewed was one of such abhorrent nature it would harden me for years to come, thereby making it possible for me to withstand any … Continue reading

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Eyes Wide Shut

Neither Nicole Kidman’s tits nor countless scads of other gratuitous nudity are worth the price or time it takes to sit through Eyes Wide Shut. This poorly written excuse for movie in all its surrealistic non-glory plays more like a … Continue reading

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Belly

Belly is not a movie. It’s a two hour long rap video. Despite dismissing Belly as cartoon-like tripe within five minutes, I did come away with some useful information from this MTV-spawned abomination.

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