Monthly Archives: February 2000

The Thomas Crown Affair

If you were sucked into “The Thomas Crown Affair” believing it had merit simply because a finely crafted piece named Rene Russo is in it, you’re sadly mistaken. You see my friend, Pierce Brosnan is in the movie as well.

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Snake Eyes

Before I enter into the world of pain that is Nicholas Cage, I have to answer a letter that was recently sent to me. But first, a little background…

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The Whole Nine Yards

I went to see The Whole Nine Yards and dammit if a “wheezer” didn’t sit right behind me. You’ve all met a wheezer at some point in your lives. It’s the overweight man/woman, usually clad in a mu-mu, who gets … Continue reading

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Summer of Sam

Is it my imagination or has Spike Lee transformed himself from a self-obsessed prick into a horribly flaccid writer and director? What it must feel like to have your own foot permanently stuck in your slack-jawed mouth.

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Arlington Road

Combine “The ‘Burbs” with a Folgers Coffee/Dockers Pants commercial, chuck in a healthy dose of domestic terrorism, and you’ve got the recipe for Arlington Road.

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Bicentennial Man

An android named Andrew (Robin Williams) develops feelings and wants to become human. Boooooooorrrrriiiinnnnnggg. It’s the oldest story in the Sci-Fi book. I felt like I was watching a two and a half hour episode of Star Trek where Data … Continue reading

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Gloria

Greetings from the trailer. Hope all is well with my legions of readers. I’m fine. The pubic lice are dying quite nicely. Thanks for all the concerned fan mail.

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Scream 3

FUUUUUUUUHCK! How many times did I pray the scary-faced guy would sneak up behind me and slit me from ear to ear? As I was watching this third-rate retread, something occured to me: I need to write some “rules” for … Continue reading

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Detroit Rock City

This…this…thing…chugs spooge. No matter what you think of Kiss, you have to admit that some movies just shouldn’t be made and pricetags should be put on the heads of the people who made it.

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Deep Blue Sea

Nothing pisses me off worse than animal-disaster flicks with animation so poor that it makes “Frosty the Snowman” look realistic. Of course “Deep Blue Sea” has all the cliched elements…including:

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