Category Archives: movies that suck

Minority Report

I wasn’t going to write this review originally. This was one of those rare cases where, even though I enjoyed the movie, I found myself grappling with some intangible problem, some unanswerable question that arose in my subconscious during the … Continue reading

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XXX

Be it introduced into the moviesthatsuck.com legislature that… Whereas the letter “X” has been abused repeatedly for the last decade in advertising, television and cinema; I hereby move that we ban the letter “X” from the English and any other … Continue reading

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How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Yo, peep this my peeps: Every romantic comedy is the same. Sure, some of the details in between are different, but in the end you know the two are going to have a fight, then makeup, then get together again … Continue reading

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The Pianist

When Mrs. Froman said she wanted to see The Pianist, I hauled ass to the bathroom, splashed on a little smell-good, lathered my nether-regions in avacado/cucumber extract, and donned my tear-away thong.

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Maid in Manhattan

Some people marry for money, some for love. Me? For shitty movies. Shaniqua wants to go see it? I guarantee it sucks. Maid in Manhattan doesn’t disappoint. Neither does Shaniqua’s ability to spit shine my shoes and make the bed.

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Kangaroo Jack

Jerry Bruckheimer. That’s all I REALLY need to say. Jerry Fucking Bruckheimer. The king of the slag heap. Coyote Ugly. Gone in Sixty Seconds. Con Air. The Rock. Bad Boys. The trail of brain dead thrill-rides sprawls across the socially … Continue reading

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Why Hollywood Sucks

I used to enjoy going to the movies. The charge I got from seeing unbelievably daring acts on a massive screen…my pants around my ankles…massive gazongas swaying rhythmically…wait…uh…wrong theater.

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Ocean’s Eleven

Have you ever had a roommate who refuses to clean anything? It’s usually someone with a dog or cat that defecates on the carpet and any other place you’re sure to step in it. And then their owner walks around … Continue reading

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Mr. Deeds

When Abe and I began work on moviesthatsuck.com back at the end of 1999, one of the things we discussed was not turning MTS into a collection of movie reviews that obviously suck. As Abe so sagely put it: “That’d … Continue reading

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Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones

For years I’ve told people that if you want to know what the worst thing on television or at the movies is, just ask my ol’ lady what she’s watching. I’m not kidding. It’s amazing.

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