Category Archives: movies that suck

Three to Tango

I was perusing the video store this weekend purposly looking for a steaming turd in which to warn you about, and Three To Tango was the exact remedy for my situation.

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Superstar

Every century or so I make a mistake of global proportions. Well, boys and girls,Master Origami just screwed the pooch again! Superstar! SUPERSTAR!

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The Bone Collector

This actually happened. As I was leaving the theater after enduring the Bone Collector, a tall man wearing a baseball cap and sporting a huge handlebar moustache approached me in the parking lot. He wanted to make a deal. He … Continue reading

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Stuart Little

Blowing the plot for you is a quick blessing so here it goes: Ozzie and Harriet adopt a mouse to increase their tax write off 1.01 children. The older sibling is not pleased, but the witty well-dressed mouse wins him … Continue reading

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Ready to Rumble

OK. Let’s shoot straight from the hip here. If you’re a heterosexual male, and are a fan of professional wrestling, you secretly desire to chug cock. Not just run-of-the-mill, pasty accountant cock though. Big, meaty, overly tanned wiener is what … Continue reading

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In Dreams

Abe Froman, pass the dirty belt sander. I’m ready for my homemade circumcision. You can even meander longinly over my swollen purple-headed warrior with the Black & Decker contractor’s grade model.

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Practical Magic

Un-funny, un-touching nonsense about the crappy love lives of two witch sisters (Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman). Seems like every time one of ’em falls in love, their significant other decides to take a pre-mature dirt nap.

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For The Love of The Game

So, Kevin Costner makes yet another dumbass baseball movie, eh? Well, I’m truly thankful that he has done this. Seriously. I was hurting for something to review this week, so this putrid waste of 138 minutes was just the remedy … Continue reading

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Shakespeare in Love

by Esther Rodham-Origami One of the most endearing and intelligent romantic comedies of the ’90s, the Oscar-winning Shakespeare in Love is filled with such good will, sunny romance, snappy one-liners, and devilish cleverness that it’s absolutely irresistible. With tongue placed … Continue reading

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Beloved

Man, this movie chews major phallus. I’m talking Paul Bunyan-sized phallus here. Have you ever watched The Shining, and near the end the director thought it’d be a good idea to throw in an arbitrary shot of a guy in … Continue reading

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