Category Archives: movies that suck

A forlorn Johnny Hooper reviews “The Pink Panther”

Today, I found your picture in some stuff I was moving to the attic. A shiver immediately worked its way through me, starting first in the middle of my heaving chest and moving outward, through all my extremities.

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Inside the mind of Johnny Hooper as he watches “Skeleton Key”

Whew, okay… barely made it in time. Good thing there are about 15 minutes of previews nowadays. God, this fake trailer about shutting your cell phone off– it always gets me! What is that crap under my feet? Oh, old … Continue reading

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Johnny Hooper’s clone reviews “The Island”

I don’t mean to be one of these malcontented clones that bitches constantly about doing all the “work work work work work work work” while our original versions have all the Bacchantic, hedonist fun there is to be had, generally. … Continue reading

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Bad News Bears (2005)

Ebert’s at it again. First he gives Wedding Crashers a “C,” then he gives this abomination a grade of “B.” [imdb] Quoth Nancy-boy: “What I liked most about the movie, I think, is that it undermines the self-congratulatory myths we … Continue reading

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Herbie’s review of his movie

Okay, so the movie starts and I’m trying to get out of the clutches of this evil tow truck guy, right? How this fat yahoo got me up on this fucking thing in the first place, I’m embarrassed to tell … Continue reading

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Bewitched

I hated this movie so much I wanted to kick its ass. And I would have too if the projection booth hadn’t been locked. I’m not scared of ANY reel of celluloid, I don’t care how big that motherfucker is! … Continue reading

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The Whole Ten Yards

What do you get when you cross an episode of Scooby Doo and Three’s Company? The Whole Ten Yards. Think about it…a gaggle of jackass “mob” bad-guys affecting bad accents that don’t exist, and funny, semi-attractive people from Los Angeles … Continue reading

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Juwanna Mann

As I sat and watched the credits roll on Juwanna Mann, I couldn’t make up my mind what was more unbelievable: that I actually made it to the credits, that a man could successfully disguise himself and play in a … Continue reading

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Signs

No matter how compelling the human drama, how sharply drawn the characters, how turbulent and suspenseful the conflict, nothing can make me overlook the fact that aliens can warp here from another galaxy but can’t break into a fuckin’ basement.

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40 Days and 40 Nights

Josh Hartnett must be shot before he tries to act again, we’ve got to take this fucker down. And I’m serious. I don’t think there’s anything negative I can say about 40 Days and 40 Nights that wouldn’t come out … Continue reading

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