Author Archives: Octavia Driftwood

The Story of Us

“Kind of like ‘The Story of O’, only completely different….” Well, I’ll be a greased Jesus! Bruce Willis stars in yet another gastly movie! Whatta ya know? Sure, he briefly drifted away from his “suck” roots when he made “The … Continue reading

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Snake Eyes

Before I enter into the world of pain that is Nicholas Cage, I have to answer a letter that was recently sent to me. But first, a little background…

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Gloria

Greetings from the trailer. Hope all is well with my legions of readers. I’m fine. The pubic lice are dying quite nicely. Thanks for all the concerned fan mail.

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The Lightning Round

OK, kids. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, what with the house arrest, and the fact that I lost my job at the White Castle. So I’ve been watching the hell out of Pay Per View … Continue reading

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I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

Before I start ripping Jennifer Love Hewitt a new poop chute, I thought I’d answer a fan letter:

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Meet Joe Black

Since I’m new here at moviesthatsuck.com, our publisher wanted to make sure the first movie I reviewed was one of such abhorrent nature it would harden me for years to come, thereby making it possible for me to withstand any … Continue reading

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