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The Beach

I usually pack a gat when I go to the movies, underneath my double-tweed vest right next to my pocketwatch. Carrying my piece is mandatory on the weekends, because the theater is always crammed with teens.

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Eye of The Beholder

The world needs another crappy serial killer flick like I need more tooth decay. Well, sonofabitch if I didn’t go to the dentist yesterday and find an oozing pustule on upper bicuspid #2. I got a cavity, and the world … Continue reading

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Belly

Belly is not a movie. It’s a two hour long rap video. Despite dismissing Belly as cartoon-like tripe within five minutes, I did come away with some useful information from this MTV-spawned abomination.

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Instinct

Instinct, or “Tarzan Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” is the story of an anthropologist (Anthony Hopkins), who, after living with gorillas in Africa for a couple of years, gets sent to prison for killing some African park rangers with a … Continue reading

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The Talented Mr. Ripley

OK, let me get the good shit about The Talented Mr. Ripley out of the way first: good acting, spectacular Italian scenery, and Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth can do no wrong in my book.

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Play It to the Bone

You know what I hate? When movie writers try to make their characters interesting just by giving them some eccentric quirk. Like just because this one-dimensional character has some little idiosyncrasy, I’m supposed to identify with ’em and give a … Continue reading

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The General’s Daughter

The General’s Daughter If you fall into a pit filled with shit, do you sit there and endure the stench, or do you rant and rave and curse the person who dug the pit? Unfortunately, it is my job to … Continue reading

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Point Blank

Point Blank is utterly forgettable, straight-to-video smegma. It’s a blatant, faceless, terribly-acted Die Hard rip-off (a gaggle of terrorists take over a mall and are picked off one at a time by ex-Texas ranger Mickey Rourke.) Don’t see it.

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Message in a Bottle

Has Kevin Costner had a lobotomy? The last time I saw a performance this wooden, Al Gore was giving a speech. Were the cue cards for this movie written in big fat kindergarten crayon? If you thought Eyes Wide Shut … Continue reading

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The Rock

This film would’ve been better titled “The Cock,”, ’cause boy does it chug a big one. As I sat watching this atrocity, I wondered aloud how they ever got competent actors like Sean Connery, Ed Harris, and Nicholas Cage to … Continue reading

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