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The Bone Collector

This actually happened. As I was leaving the theater after enduring the Bone Collector, a tall man wearing a baseball cap and sporting a huge handlebar moustache approached me in the parking lot. He wanted to make a deal. He … Continue reading

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Practical Magic

Un-funny, un-touching nonsense about the crappy love lives of two witch sisters (Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman). Seems like every time one of ’em falls in love, their significant other decides to take a pre-mature dirt nap.

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Beloved

Man, this movie chews major phallus. I’m talking Paul Bunyan-sized phallus here. Have you ever watched The Shining, and near the end the director thought it’d be a good idea to throw in an arbitrary shot of a guy in … Continue reading

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Mission to Mars

If you substitute “Dead Ass” for the word “Mars” in the title of this movie, you’ve got a good idea what to expect when you watch it. Brian DePalma, this is Houston: Mission to Dead Ass accomplished! This movie is … Continue reading

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Tomorrow Never Dies

Tomorrow never dies… but I wish James Bond would. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of the old 007 flicks. I just think that the recent incarnations have become far too preposterous to go on living. When the … Continue reading

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Blue Streak

Can anyone tell me why Martin Lawrence is famous? It can’t be because he’s funny, since he clearly is not. Perhaps he blew Eddie Murphy with the understanding that Eddie would make him famous by sticking him in a few … Continue reading

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Reindeer Games

Reindeer Games had two strikes against it before I even saw frame one. First, it was a friggin’ Christmas movie. Just what I need as Spring is arriving: a visual reminder of all the bills I have left over from … Continue reading

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The Whole Nine Yards

I went to see The Whole Nine Yards and dammit if a “wheezer” didn’t sit right behind me. You’ve all met a wheezer at some point in your lives. It’s the overweight man/woman, usually clad in a mu-mu, who gets … Continue reading

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Arlington Road

Combine “The ‘Burbs” with a Folgers Coffee/Dockers Pants commercial, chuck in a healthy dose of domestic terrorism, and you’ve got the recipe for Arlington Road.

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Bicentennial Man

An android named Andrew (Robin Williams) develops feelings and wants to become human. Boooooooorrrrriiiinnnnnggg. It’s the oldest story in the Sci-Fi book. I felt like I was watching a two and a half hour episode of Star Trek where Data … Continue reading

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