Author Archives: Abe Froman Sausage King of Ch

Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Over my years as a swingin’ film-critic, I’ve come to realize something extremely signigicant. Women are a lot like movies. I’ve banged a shitload of broads in my time, and I can’t escape the comparison.

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Along Came a Spider

Along came a spider…and I swatted its ugly ass with the December issue of Juggs. Let’s get one thing straight. I admire Morgan Freeman. Even though from some angles he looks like a Maori tribesman on a three day bender, … Continue reading

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Hannibal

To say that Americans are obsessed with serial murder is something of an understatement. You can’t swing a dismembered prostitute over your head anywhere in this country without hitting a dozen books, movies, and investigative TV shows that deal with … Continue reading

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Pitch Black

I did not start out on the right foot with Pitch Black. To begin with, some joker at the video store put Pitch Black in the African-American porn section. Imagine my disappointment when, expecting “Gangbangers IV- the Crips Take Vassar,” … Continue reading

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Cast Away

Isn’t Cast Away supposed to be one word? Castaway? You know, like Gilligan and all his wacky companions? I suppose that by splitting castaway into two words, verb and adverb, Robert Zemeckis is making some sort of subtle symbolic comment … Continue reading

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Three Kings

If I were an Iraqi, and I saw the movie Three Kings, I believe I would tender my immediate resignation to 7-11 Inc., and begin an intense letter-writing campaign to the Warner Brothers movie division.

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Space Cowboys

You’ve all heard the expression “Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one.” Well, allow me to share my hairy, gaping opinion about the movie Space Cowboys with all of you good people.

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The Mummy

The cuneiform writings warned of a 3000 year old curse… A curse that brought with it a plague of boredom, characterized by chronic yawning, festering ass boils, and frequent testicle re-shiftage…

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Teaching Mrs. Tingle

What has the intellectual punch of a Bon Jovi song, the intricate plotting of the movies Presumed Impotent and Womb Broom 2, and the stark realism of a WWF wrestling match? The answer is, of course, Teaching Mrs. Tingle.

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Mission: Impossible 2

Mission Impossible wants to be the new James Bond series so bad it’s not even funny. I guess Tom Cruise hasn’t looked lately at the rotting compost heap the 007 flicks have become (see my review of Tomorrow Never Dies). … Continue reading

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