Author Archives: Abe Froman Sausage King of Ch

We’re back, precious!

We’ve been gone from Moviesthatsuck for a long time, and I apologize to anyone who noticed or cared. I think the last time we updated the site, Clinton was still in office. And I was sane.

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Abe Froman’s Angelina Jolie Sex Fantasy

Despite popular opinion, I am not a Johnny-come-lately to the Angelina Jolie bandwagon. I’ve been on board since her lips had co-star billing with Denzel in The Bone Collector. Even back then, without knowing anything about Angelina I could tell … Continue reading

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Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

Are the Skywalkers genetically predisposed to clenching their fists and yelling “Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!” whenever they hear tragic news?

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Juwanna Mann

As I sat and watched the credits roll on Juwanna Mann, I couldn’t make up my mind what was more unbelievable: that I actually made it to the credits, that a man could successfully disguise himself and play in a … Continue reading

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No matter how compelling the human drama, how sharply drawn the characters, how turbulent and suspenseful the conflict, nothing can make me overlook the fact that aliens can warp here from another galaxy but can’t break into a fuckin’ basement.

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Minority Report

I wasn’t going to write this review originally. This was one of those rare cases where, even though I enjoyed the movie, I found myself grappling with some intangible problem, some unanswerable question that arose in my subconscious during the … Continue reading

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Be it introduced into the legislature that… Whereas the letter “X” has been abused repeatedly for the last decade in advertising, television and cinema; I hereby move that we ban the letter “X” from the English and any other … Continue reading

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The Pianist

When Mrs. Froman said she wanted to see The Pianist, I hauled ass to the bathroom, splashed on a little smell-good, lathered my nether-regions in avacado/cucumber extract, and donned my tear-away thong.

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Abe Froman’s Take on World Affairs

Okay, the world as we know it has come to an end, and I have been noticeably (at least I hope someone noticed) absent from moviesthatsuck. No, I haven’t been offed by Middle Eastern heathen. Here’s what’s been on my … Continue reading

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State & Main

Have you ever made a videotape of yourself spanking your marsupial, and then turned around and jacked off while watching yourself jack off?

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