movies that rock

Wedding Crashers

Roger Ebert is an asshole. I’m not telling most of you people anything you didn’t already know. He gave wedding crashers a grade of “C.” Wedding Crashers. Not Road House. Wedding Crashers.

Quoth Nancy-boy: “It assembles all the elements for a laugh-out-loud comedy, but it can’t make them fly.”

In the theater where I saw Wedding Crashers [official site] people were laughing so hard they were crying and gasping for breath. Maybe it’s because they’re able to lose their inhibitions and think trolling nuptial celebrations for chicks is cool…maybe they’re not an asexual troll like Roger Ebert.

This my friends, is what a movie should be. Two funny guys (Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn) surrounded by

• Hot chicks
• Hot chicks showing their fun-bags
• Acceptable S&M (not the really scary ball-gag type)
• Touch football with horrific violence
• Casual sex
• Dwight Yoakam telling his soon-to-be-ex-wife to kiss his left nut (you’ll remember him as “Doyle Hargraves” from Slingblade)
• The occasional F-Bomb
• Christopher Walken (always appropriate)
• Boats (even the faggy type are ok)
• Excessive imbibing of hard liquor
• Guys punching each other in the face
• Bad guys kicking the hero in the nads so you really hate him
• Trickery
• Slovenly male behavior
• Deception

The only real flaw might be that no one dies at the hands of an Italian mobster, but hey, even Godfather had its flaws. I can’t think of any off the top of my head, but you know what I mean.

Look, I can understand why Roger Ebert is bitter. Since 1972 he hadn’t seen his own twig and berries. So he goes off and loses a bunch of weight only to discover that his man-pole looks like a maggot wearing a turtle-neck sweater. You’d be angry too.