Back again

Yeah, we’ve had more comeback tours than KISS…but we’re serious this time. Anyhoo. If there is anyone still out there…

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A forlorn Johnny Hooper reviews “The Pink Panther”

Today, I found your picture in some stuff I was moving to the attic. A shiver immediately worked its way through me, starting first in the middle of my heaving chest and moving outward, through all my extremities. Continue reading

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Inside the mind of Johnny Hooper as he watches “Skeleton Key”

Whew, okay… barely made it in time. Good thing there are about 15 minutes of previews nowadays. God, this fake trailer about shutting your cell phone off– it always gets me! What is that crap under my feet? Oh, old popcorn and twizzlers… gross. Okay, here we go. Always good to see Kate Hudson! Whoo hoo she’s back! Looks pretty good too. Yowza! Continue reading

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Johnny Hooper’s clone reviews “The Island”

I don’t mean to be one of these malcontented clones that bitches constantly about doing all the “work work work work work work work” while our original versions have all the Bacchantic, hedonist fun there is to be had, generally. I know that I was created in a lab in a Petri dish, and that I lack an everlasting soul. Continue reading

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Bad News Bears (2005)

Ebert’s at it again. First he gives Wedding Crashers a “C,” then he gives this abomination a grade of “B.” [imdb]

Quoth Nancy-boy: “What I liked most about the movie, I think, is that it undermines the self-congratulatory myths we cultivate about sports in America.”

Let’s get something straight Rodge, or better yet, let’s let Billy Bob’s Morris Buttermaker ask you: “You got daddy issues or somethin’?” Continue reading

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Wedding Crashers

Roger Ebert is an asshole. I’m not telling most of you people anything you didn’t already know. He gave wedding crashers a grade of “C.” Wedding Crashers. Not Road House. Wedding Crashers.

Quoth Nancy-boy: “It assembles all the elements for a laugh-out-loud comedy, but it can’t make them fly.” Continue reading

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Herbie’s review of his movie

Okay, so the movie starts and I’m trying to get out of the clutches of this evil tow truck guy, right? How this fat yahoo got me up on this fucking thing in the first place, I’m embarrassed to tell you. Let’s just leave it at this: alcohol works wonders, even on a Nazi-designed, Mexican-built shitbox. Heil to Rumple! Why do you think we called this thing “Herbie: Fully Loaded?” Continue reading

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We’re back, precious!

We’ve been gone from Moviesthatsuck for a long time, and I apologize to anyone who noticed or cared. I think the last time we updated the site, Clinton was still in office. And I was sane. Continue reading

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Bewitched

I hated this movie so much I wanted to kick its ass. And I would have too if the projection booth hadn’t been locked. I’m not scared of ANY reel of celluloid, I don’t care how big that motherfucker is! Titanic, Gone With the Wind, Pippi Longstocking Uncut… any 3 hour plus movie, bring it on and I’ll kick its ass. I have the attention span of a wad of Bubble Yum, but I can fuck a movie up. Continue reading

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Abe Froman’s Angelina Jolie Sex Fantasy

Despite popular opinion, I am not a Johnny-come-lately to the Angelina Jolie bandwagon. I’ve been on board since her lips had co-star billing with Denzel in The Bone Collector. Even back then, without knowing anything about Angelina I could tell that, should she ply me with one of her simmering stares and purse her lips into the shape of a corpus luteum about to lovingly eject what would undoubtedly be the most attractive zygote of all time, I would wet myself on the spot like a scolded beagle. Continue reading

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